Have you ever written a long heartfelt email/post/message but never sent it? You decide to share something that’s been on your mind – something personal, or political, or professional; something thoughtful, or funny, or sad, or happy; something extraordinary or everyday. You sit down and write it. You finish and it’s ready to send, but you pause. Doubts start to creep in. You think of all the reasons you shouldn’t post.
“What I have to say isn’t that important.”
“Other people have said it better.”
“What if they judge me for this?”
“No one cares what I think.”
You delete the draft without sending. You tell yourself it doesn’t matter, you don’t care, you didn’t really need to share that. But every time it hurts a little.
In the Gestalt model of psychology, this is called retroflection, the redirection of energy and emotions from outward to inward – holding in what you want to say, forcing those thoughts back inside when they try to escape, bottling up feelings you won’t let yourself express.
I am prone to introspection, perfectionism, and retroflection. I am not as educated or informed or well-read as I should be (you could say I am a Bad Intellectual, as Roxanne Gay is a Bad Feminist). My writing is not as literary or entertaining or well-organized as I want it to be. My thoughts are not profound or novel or inspirational. But I don’t want to hold them in anymore. So welcome to my site. Here are my thoughts.